I'm joining the trend: Doing a 2013 year review.

I've always found year reviews hard to do because how do I sum up the entire year? There have been way to many different things, both good and bad for me to say whether this was a nice year or I'd rather it didn't exist.
But I figured I'd give it a go.

At the beginning of 2013 I was really excited. I thought this was going to finally be the year I turned things around and I felt like I was finally growing into exactly the kind of person I want to be, but in fact I'm a lot different now than what I was in January, and not in the way I expected. And now I realise that no year is the year "I'm going to grow into my personality" because people are always changing and I'm no exception.
Also, I had some new year's resolutions I set myself and I failed most of them and some I didn't fail. Most are too private for me to share but I'll share a couple:
     I did not manage to stop clicking my fingers
     I did however get my head down and finish high school without *too many* major incidents. Saying that there was some major drama but that's just life I suppose.
There were, however, many many different things I wanted to accomplish by the end of 2013 that I haven't even thought about since January, and other things that I have thought about but haven't really gone the way I'd hoped.
So I've decided that in 2014 I will not set myself any resolutions. I will not set unrealistic goals, some of which are the same every year, for myself, and I will not reach December feeling as if I have failed myself in the year. I will let my life take its course and I won't get caught up in the things that don't matter and I'll allow myself some more time to just do stuff rather than sit down specifically thinking about the list of unrealistic things I have to do.
But I suppose I can't help but feel, or hope, that maybe this year might just be my year. It's futile to hope though.

So to conclude this year I'm going to try hard to think about the positive things, the things that mattered, rather than the negatives. I don't believe in forgetting all the bad things though, because we need them to grow as people.
So here's my summary of the year:

Good things:

• Went to India after 4 years
• Met Tasha (on the internet but whatever)
• Nikola
• Saw All Time Low live
• Saw Mallory Knox live
• Met Sam and Dave from Mallory Knox
• Left high school once and for all
• Went to America/Canada
• Completed a very specific new year's resolution that was the hardest thing I've ever done and is still going on and this is very vague but it's a really really important part of this year
• And The Mountains Echoed by Khaled Hosseini
• GCSE's
• Fall Out Boy came back
• Iron Man 3
• Thor: The Dark World
• The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug
• Catching Fire

And of course there were some negatives:

• My chemical romance break up
• I start college
• College
• College
• People at college
• Social situations at college
• College subjects are hard
• (Nikola) 
• A certain failed (again I know it's vague but still) new year's resolution that changed my life

So, 2013 wasn't great but it wasn't too bad. There are certain things that I would do a thousand times over and certain things I wish never ever happen again to me or to anyone. 

I know the holidays can be a difficult time but I hope everyone has a good one anyway. And if 2013 wasn't the best year, then stick around because one of the coming years have to be better.

I don't care how cheesy that sounds, it's true. One of these years is going to be brilliant. Who knows, it may even be 2014?

Happy holidays everyone.

6pm

I like walking home alone in the dark.
There's something very beautiful about the way the leaves blow in the wind.
It's quite awesome how listening to music alone feels.

It feels a bit like you're in your own world, you can see people around you, you can see their lips moving, you can see what they're doing, but no one can hear your music. It's kind of like that music, at that moment in time, is yours. And that's pretty cool.

Music kind of means a lot to me. People say this a lot, and often when phrases become widely used, certain people start claiming that the phrase "is a lie" and "you're only following the crowd", when in fact, have they considered, that maybe music does kind of mean a lot to a lot of people?

But I find that listening to music helps me distance myself from people sometimes, and I think that's really important: to find comfort in solitude.
Music helps me take a deep breath and I'm pretty sure we've all learnt about how taking a deep breath is necessary.
In a busy lifestyle, sometimes there aren't many breaks, but if you look really hard, you can find one in something as simple as walking to and from college, or in brushing your teeth before bed, or having breakfast on the kitchen table, or listening to music as you do work (or listening to music as you procrastinate as I am currently doing)

I know I post about bands a lot, but I'm seeing Mallory Knox live in 5 days and that's pretty exciting. I really love the feel of a concert. No where else would you find complete strangers so close together in the same room as each other. Complete strangers with their on life story, their own problems, their own home, their own work, but for a few hours just that one night, you can forget about everything, and literally just live in the moment.
It doesn't matter that you have to go home in a few hours, and you have work in the morning; you forget everything, and bond with complete strangers over that one shared happiness of just being there. That's pretty amazing.

I think everyone should go to concerts, whatever kind of concerts they may be, and just forget about everything for a little while. Because forgetting everything can be just as important as remembering it all.


On another note, I feel obliged to say RIP Nelson Mandela.
The world has lost a truly inspirational and very important man. He changed this world, and I think he stood for something brilliant.
 Also, well done to the human race for letting at least one freedom fighter die of old age rather than be assassinated.
My only hope is that the world keeps remembering all that he taught us, and doesn't forget about his importance as a part of human history.

It feels fitting to end this post by the following quote from the man himself:
"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear" - Nelson Mandela

I'm just rambling a bit really.

So the last time I made a blog post was two months ago, and I feel like I should have been updating this blog a bit more often.
What would I write about though?
How hard college is? It seems like everyone's being talking about that.
How great my trip to India was? Yeah it was pretty awesome but I find it hard to sum India up so that blog post would probably be the size of a novel.
How wonderful Thor was? It was pretty wonderful and I did really like a little bit of shirtless Thor, but I had a feeling that blog post would mostly be "OMFG ASJAGLIUGF TOM HIDDLESTON/CHRIS HEMSWORTH"

That left me with.... nothing. Absolutely nothing to talk about.
But I've decided that I am going to talk about college, but now about how hard it is, because we all kind of get that now, but more about the social aspect of college.

Socially, college sucks.
A lot of my friends have gone to different colleges, which has forced me to try and mix in with a different social group: bad idea.
You know when clever people are at school, they think that they're really clever, and it's okay because it's just school and there's not too many of them? But at college, all the clever people from the different schools have come together, formed one large social group, and are ruining my life.

I won't go into the details of why, but let's just say ignorance is not always bliss. Being ignorant is fine sometimes, but sometimes, you do have to care about other people's problems, or at least know about them so you can stop yourself from saying something offensive or rude, or at least be able to realise when you've said something unpleasant.

I hate being one of those girls, but let's face it; a large majority of white, straight, privileged men are very ignorant to many problems in this world. They know about racism and sexism, but don't bother about it. They don't care about it. They're just simply a little bit ignorant, and when many of them come together in one large group: it's hell.

They also don't apologise. They've been taught to assert their authority.
I, on the other hand, as a brown girl, have been brought up knowing that apologising is the only way forward, and I've been shown by the media, by movies, and by stories, how coloured people and women are always second best if not third best or fourth best to everyone else.

And that irritates me. I think it irritates me more since by having spent the last four years of my life in an all girls school, I didn't come across many people like this.

So to sum up: College sucks, people suck, I don't like it, Thor was great, India was great, I just want to spend the rest of my life reading books and listening to music by myself.




PS. Watch this video. I think it's really moving.

I've been ruined

So recently I became the last person in the world (since it seems as if everyone has already done this) to read The Fault in our Stars and I, like everyone else who read this book, will make comments about how sad it was, and how amazing John Green is.

But I realised something a lot more important while I was reading the book: I've been ruined by good authors. Good authors, such as John Green, JK Rowling and of course Khaled Hosseini, have ruined my ability to read and appreciate books.
It's a bit like when certain celebrities are so amazing *coughcough* Tom Hiddleston *coughcough* that you feel as if any normal guy will never be enough for you.

It's a bit like that. I've been spoiled by good books so much that now it seems as if I could read other books, but I wouldn't be able to appreciate them as much. I've been exposed to truly wonderful writing and breathtakingly beautiful stories so much that it seems as if any other book won't please me as much as it would have done if I'd read them before I read A Thousand Splendid Suns.

Nothing normal will be good enough for me because the media has ruined my perception of normal.

No normal book will be good enough for me, because The Kite Runner exist.
No normal guy will be good enough for me, because Tom Hiddleston exists.
No normal school will be good enough for me, because East High School (from High school musical for those of you who don't know) exists.

So to sum my existence up: I'm going to suffer all my life because I'm a below average girl with above average expectations.

A thousand lives is better than one

I've neglected this blog for what feels like an extremely long time and fallen into my usual habit of putting-things-off-to-do-them-later-but-never-doing-them-until-eventually-it's-too-late-to-do-them, or otherwise known as 'procrastination'
It's horrible. I remember when I used to get things done. *nostalgic sigh* now those were the days.

I've been thinking about what I've done all summer and I've come to the conclusion that I've done.... nothing. Absolutely nothing. I've been on holiday, I've come back home and I've sat in my bed and read books and watched TV shows.

At least I'm finally reading again, so I've decided that instead of thinking of something fascinating to write I'm just going to list the books I've read/plan to read in the "summer" (notice the use of the sarcastic speech marks since I live in England and we don't really get a summer.... currently I'm huddled in a duvet)

1) Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring by JRR Tolkien (must read book)
2) Deception Point by Dan Brown (really really good book... he really is as good as the hype suggests)
3) Sherlock Holmes series by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE this book. My obsession with Sherlock grows)
4) The Declaration series by Gemma Malley (great modern fiction which was a nice change from my heavy reading classics)
5)The Hunger Games series by Suzanne Collins (I'm going to be honest here. It doesn't live up to the hype. It's brilliant! But not as good as the hype suggests it should be)
6) One Day by David Nicholls (courtesy of Jenny and it really is a brilliant book. We all need a good romance once in a while)
7) Tess of the D'urbevilles by Thomas Hardy (I'd read this before but now that I'm older I understood the storyline a lot better and it is definitely a good book, and I personally think a very important book to read. The only issue I have with it that even though it was written such a long time ago, the issues are still relevant when they should have been in our past by now)
8) Hard Times by Charles Dickens (Next on my list to read, and I'm not quite sure what to expect. I look forward to it though)
9) Harry Potter series by JK Rowling (It's just not a summer till I re-read these books)

I hope you found that interesting, although probably not. One thing I do suggest is go read all the books I've listed. Reading is fun and enjoyable and I think that everyone should have a list of books to read.

"You can never get a cup of tea large enough or a book long enough to suit me."
CS Lewis

The Big Apple

So I've just come back from holiday and I feel as if so much has happened that I could write about... I could probably talk about the holiday for hours and hours because so much happened, but I'll try and sum up my experiences very quickly.
New York is awesome, just as you would imagine it to be! The city is the same as the pictures but seeing it all first hand was an amazing experience. I loved the holiday, even though it was hot and sweaty, I have tan lines from my sandals on my feet and a 6 hour halt at Lisbon airport bored me to death.

Also, the subway is horrible, absolutely horrible. There are rats, it's hot with no AC, the trains are slow and not very frequent, and the barriers don't let you through until you swipe your card at exactly the right speed - not fun.
Times Square is the best place in the world and I'm in love with it. I'd happily spend every day in my life sitting there, and we got up onto one of the screens there as well which was pretty awesome. We waved at ourselves for like three minutes and like recorded the entire thing.... :/

Look... me in Times Square :)

I would live in New York, even if it was the worst city in the world just for the public library. I have never seen another building as beautiful in my life, and I loved the idea of just reading in there. It was beautiful and massive... Think of all the books!!
Central Park was beautiful, and huge with it's ponds and lakes and fountains and castles and statues and concerts. We sat there for a good hour and spent another good hour walking through it. I can just imagine having picnics and birthday parties there when I'm older!

We also went to Canada which I also loved a lot. It's a beautiful country and the people are lovely. It reminded me a lot of England, but bigger and cheaper. The people we stayed with kept telling us a lot about this huge book store, and it's just a shame that we didn't go to it.
Niagara Falls is extremely beautiful. We spent an entire day sitting by the falls, having a picnic and it was very scenic and beautiful (also there were about four families of our relatives meeting up so there were a good 20 brown people at least.... but it was okay, because half of Canada was brown!)
We also went to Canada's wonderland which is a theme park and it was aweessoommee!! However, I will never understand why humans feel the need to make ourselves purposefully scared for our lives, just for the thrill of it? I'm not complaining though, I love the thrill.
We also saw Now You See Me at the cinema and it was such an amazing movie! I'm surprised at the lack of hype for it, considering how great it was! It has also now become my life's purpose to learn cool new card tricks like this:

My holiday was amazing, and in case you didn't notice... I would love to live in New York City... even though the people and the weather is nicer in England.
I don't think that's ever been said "The weather is nicer in England" but it is! You say you want the heat, but could you really stand 40 degrees Celsius when 25 is a heatwave? And could you survive snow up to your knees when your whole country turns into a chaotic mess with one tiny layer of snow?

I think this post may become too long, but I thought I may share some things I've learnt from this holiday with you:

• Learning Portugese is good while travelling with TAP Portugal
• If you have a 6 hour halt at Lisbon airport, go outside, don't spend it all in the airport
• Lisbon is beautiful... from the plane at least
• Subways suck
• Be prepared for extreme heat in Canada and America
• Books are a necessity on planes and long car rides
• Water is permanently required
• Take a change of clothes on a hot day because you may sweat through your first set (it sounds gross, but trust me)
• When swiping your card on the Subway, make sure you do it at an average speed, not too slow and not too quick, then check the screen - if it says go you push the barrier and walk through (they don't open for you like the London ones) or it may say Please swipe again in which case... you may be stuck. Subways are hell
• If you see a cheap souvenir shop, buy from it, you probably won't have time to 'shop around and re-visit'

I don't know if that was useful, but it sure would have helped me

Love,

The Ham Master

Stay strong

I feel like this post may turn out to be sadder than intended, and perhaps contain some trigger warmings, even though I have tried to avoid it as much as possible. So I'm telling you know, if you feel like you may be triggered by this, then please don't read, I don't want to be responsible for anything! (But you could skip down to the bold parts, because I think everyone should understand what I say there)

I've been thinking a lot recently about this one friend I have (I'll call her Nicole if I ever mention her again to protect her privacy) and I've been thinking of everything she goes through in her life, which is a lot, and every time I do this I am filled with this horrible devastating feeling of losing her. I'm terrified of the thought of not having her in my life forever, but things are really bad with her, and they have been for a long time.
I remember one time a few months ago she messaged me telling me that she was finally going to kill herself, and you have no idea how terrified I was. I was so scared, I was shaking and crying like hell. She also lived in a different country to me so I couldn't call the emergency line, all I could do was message her trying to convince her to call the hospital. Luckily, she sorted everything out and I still have her in my life right now, but I can't get rid of the fear I felt that night.
No matter how hard I try, I still remember how hopeless I felt, and how useless. I was so pissed off with myself because I couldn't do anything, and I hadn't been there for her when she needed it. I'm so glad she's alive because I think I need her in my life. So maybe this is completely selfish, but who cares? I need her, other people need her, and she has to stay alive.

But the point of this post is more to do with how society ruins us and makes us feel that way. It makes us feel horrible when we deserve a million times better. All of us. 
I could spend ages on this topic but I won't. I'll try and summarise it in a few sentences:
It's okay to be whoever you want to be. It's okay to love whoever you want, to be whatever you want, to like whatever you want, to look however you want to look, and to do whatever you want to do (except from like.... killing people, that's not cool)
It's okay to be unsure of what you want in life, everyone is at some point in life. It's okay to try and figure out what you want, and it's okay to say no to some people to think about yourself.
It's okay to look the way you do, tall, short, chubby, skinny, brown, black, white, big hands, small hands, glasses, tattoos, piercings, no tattoos, no piercings, brown hair, ginger hair, blue hair, purple hair, blonde hair, black hair, long hair, short hair, spots, no spots, whatever you look like, it's okay; in fact, it's more than okay. It's perfect. It's absolutely perfect.

In short. Be who you are, and never ever give up on who you are. Stay alive, and stay strong, because there is always someone or something that needs you here. For example, my friend Nicole thought that she had no one to stay for, and that no one would miss her, but I would have done. I would've more than missed her, I think a part of me may have died with her.

One more thing: Try and respect that other people are also just trying to be who they are. They may like different things, different movies and different bands, but that doesn't make them worse than you, just different. And different can be good. So respect them, unless they're physically or emotionally harming you, then learn to love and respect them for who they are, because then they'll do the same for you.

Also, watch this video. I watched it and cried because it honestly helped me realise everything that I've mentioned in this post.

Stay beautiful

Lots of love